


Dear Arthur

by Tari_Sue



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-26 05:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4991356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tari_Sue/pseuds/Tari_Sue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Today I just miss you. I miss you and I miss you and I miss you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Arthur

Today I miss you.

I know, that sounds stupid. If you were here, you’d call me idiot. But then, if you were here the whole thing would be moot.

But some days are worse than others. 

Some days I can just get on with my life and I barely think of you at all, and then I suddenly remember and I feel guilty for forgetting. 

Sometimes something might happen, and I can’t wait to tell you about it. I anticipate how you will throw your head back and laugh, that full-bodied laugh that you do. That you did. Thus it hits me. I can’t tell you, you won’t laugh. You’re not there. I will never hear your laugh again.

Other days, I think of you and I remember the good times, the things we did, the things you said, the way you held me. On those days I feel… happy… if that makes sense. Not the sort of feeling I would have called happy in the past. The memories of you keep me going, a little sunshine in an otherwise bleak and unforgiving landscape. So happy, yeah, for want of a better word, happy will have to do.

There are times that I am angry, so angry. Angry at the world, at the gods, at fate, at myself. At you. I know it’s unreasonable, but I can’t help it. You left me here. How could you do that? What were you thinking? I kick back against the world. I shout, I destroy. I cry. Hot, angry tears of rage and frustration.

But days like today? Today I just miss you. I miss you and I miss you and I miss you.

I wake in the morning and I could swear you are there. If I turn my head just so, I will see yours on the pillow. I feel your arms around me, your breath on the back of my neck. I put my hand up to push you away, back to your own side of the bed, but you are not there, and the bed is cold. Now I long for you to hold me, and I regret every time I ever pushed you away. Had I known then what I know now, I would have held you close to me forever, and never let you go.

There is a hole in my chest, a vacuum that can’t be filled. My grief is like a rabid wolf that lives inside me and eats away at everything that once made me human. And now I am just a shell that somehow manages to keep going, without a heart to beat, without lungs to breathe every painful breath, without a voice to scream at the injustice of the world, and with no tears left to cry.

I can’t get up, it seems too much effort. But I can’t stay here, in our bed, that no longer smells of you.

I need to hear your voice, because I’m scared that I’ll forget how it sounds. I close my eyes and recall every inch of your beautiful face, in case one day I can’t remember what you look like.

How can one half of a soul carry on without the other? What is the point of living a life that was meant to be lived at your side? I how will I ever be warm without the sun?

 

I miss you.


End file.
